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Are You Communicating?
Many Native American tribes use a unique way of communicating. No, I'm not
talking about sending smoke signals. I'm referring to the use of a Talking
Stick. Only the person holding the Talking Stick is allowed to speak.
This is very useful at a tribal "board" meeting because arguing is kept to
a minimum then, and each person has one job to do - Listen - unless s/he
has the Talking Stick.
On really big decisions the Talking Stick is passed, one to the next, all
around the circle as each person gets to have a say in the discussion
without others interrupting or starting an argument. Ah, I wish I had
known about this Talking Stick when my children were growing up.
Here's a simple solution for other families today - Listen, Pause, Clarify
and Validate. Read on, I think it will make great good sense to you, too.
Love,
Joan
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LISTEN, PAUSE, CLARIFY AND VALIDATE
by Michael Angier
OUR ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY is one of the most
precious skills we can develop. Most of the time when we think
of communicating well, we think of effectively expressing
ourselves. This is certainly important, but listening is the
single most important of all communication skills. It's what
Stephen Covey calls "Seek first to understand and THEN to be
understood."
- Listen
First and foremost, we must actively listen to what someone is
saying. Perhaps we were given two ears and one mouth because we
were supposed to listen twice as much as we speak. Look at the
person who is speaking. Listen with your whole body and your
whole mind. Resist the temptation to think about your response.
People will appreciate your respectful listening.
- Pause
This is a great habit to develop. When the speaker is finished,
pause for a few seconds before responding. This guarantees that
the other person has really finished talking and there is no
danger of cutting them off. By pausing, we show the speaker that
we've listened to them and that we respect what they had to say
enough to consider it before we launch into our response.
- Clarify
You could call this "Backtrack and Clarify." This is where you
rephrase what was said and ask if you understood correctly. You
get agreement as to the communication and you make sure that
what you heard was really what was meant. It takes only a moment
and prevents assumptions that create misunderstandings later.
- Validate
This is the one I've had the most trouble with. After we have
clarified, we validate the opinion/feeling/expression of the
other. Validation does not necessarily mean agreement. It simply
means that we understand how they might feel or think about
something. And if you WERE them, and had the same experience,
you WOULD feel or think like them.
This whole process might seem like it would be time consuming,
but it's really not. Even if it takes a little longer at first,
you'll find that it makes for clearer, more effective
communication with less hurt feelings and more understanding.
Something the world needs a lot more of.
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Copyright 2001 Michael Angier & Success Networks International.
Used with permision.
Michael Angier is the founder and president
of Success Networks. Its mission is to inform, inspire and empower
people to be their best--personally and professionally. Visit them:
http://www.SuccessNet.org/ There's lots to learn here.
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